Tuesday, July 1, 1986

So bored; I'm sixteen and it's summer so I'm home with nothing to do. Sarah and I play the radio and walk over to Grandma's to watch TV. I ask daddy if I can go take my driving test but he doesn't have time to take me. I really want a drink; I haven't had one in two days. How can I get a drink or something to do? I call my friend Christy who lives in town and complain about how bored I am and how I wish we could do something. She says I can come over but my dad won't take me and Christy doesn't have a car. This is really boring, you can't imagine. And I look awful, all zits and hair grease. I know now that I had been too hard on my skin at that age so I look for moisturizer but my mom only has Nivea which is greasy AF. I shoot a few hoops but that's not as interesting as it was the first time around. Friday is Independence Day and there's a lot on the news about the reopening of The Statue of Liberty and how there will be lots of festivities. It doesn't sound very interesting. What can I do differently to make sure that I travel more in the real future? I'm just hanging around the house with no way or doing anything else. I call Alan Rogers and tell him I'm bored and ask him what he's up to. He's surprised but I'm much more experienced at flirting than any sixteen-year-old and I convince him to grab a bottle from his parents and come pick me up. I sneak out at 10:00 and we park under the bridge and throw rocks in the water while drinking a small bottle of rum. He also has some marijuana and is impressed at how easily I smoke it, most girls choke, he says. We kiss a little and I let him touch my breasts but nothing else. How exciting for real teen-aged me to wake up tomorrow after this! He drops me off at one o'clock and I give him a very deep kiss and brush my had down his crotch. He quickly inhales in surprise and I get out and run in. No one is up, no one noticed. I look out my window and see his car in the drive way. He sits there for a few minutes then leaves. I go to bed, wondering if I'll wake up in 1986 again since I'm going to bed at one.

Monday, May 19th, 1980

"Time to get up, girls," my dad said. I woke up just a couple of feet from the ceiling in the top bunk bed. I was ten years old and in the fifth grade. I was immediately afraid. I was afraid and then I was elated and then I was afraid again. Sarah, my sister, got in the bathroom first while I ate cereal for breakfast, Raisin Bran. This alerted my dad that something wasn't right because I didn't like Raisin Bran then but he didn't make too much of it. I don't want to recount the whole day even though every minute was interesting to me. The bus ride and seeing what everything looked like in town. So much has changed, so many stores that I don't even remember. The big news was Mt. St. Helens, it had erupted the day before. It was hard to talk to ten-year-olds and appear excited about the news. Pete N. started talking about how stupid I was, like I didn't understand what had happened. I ended up walking away at lunch, going outside even though we weren't supposed to. It was hard to take the fifth grade rules seriously. When I got outside, I didn't know what to do; I had no phone. I had a book but it was in my locker. Pete came outside with some of his friends, and started hassling me about my dumbness. They surrounded me and started acting like they were going to beat me up. Was I in danger of rape? That seems hard to imagine with ten-year-olds but because I was at their level it didn't seem impossible either. I tried to back up but the kid behind me shoved me. I am not used to this level of violence. Pete started shoving me and I felt hands grabbing my arms so I started screaming. The boys moved back and I ran inside. They came after me but didn't touch me once we were inside, just followed me, muttering insults and threats. They shoved me the rest of the day whenever I was in the hallway. I had to pee but was afraid to go to the bathroom. After Science I asked Cynthia Welland to go to the bathroom with me, even though we hadn't been friends since second grade. She went with me and we passed Pete and another kid that I don't even remember on the way. "They wouldn't give you such a hard time if you acted normal," Cynthia said. "I am acting normal," I said, trying to remember how I acted in the fifth grade. "You never act normal," Cynthia said. "That's why I stopped hanging out with you." Oh. I had forgotten how I had always seemed a beat or two off of everyone else at that age. I never discovered the normal rhythm but as an adult you have more freedom and there are more paths to chose from. Middle school, everyone has to do the same thing.We came out of the bathroom and there was Pete. "You'll die before you graduate," I told him. Cynthia walked off; even for me, this was a weird thing to say. "Asthma," I said as I walked back to my class. Later on the bus, Brian Lester was telling racist jokes. I didn't laugh and that just added fuel to the weirdo fire. Even if I take all the knowledge from my 46 years and become valedictorian and then go to Harvard and become fabulously wealthy, it won't be worth going through middle school again. I don't know how to get back! We have meat and over-cooked veggies for supper. I'm quite most of the evening, trying to figure out how to do middle school. I'm more book-and street-smart than the kids plus the school year is almost over. I can get through this.

12-31-16

We--Patrick and I--went to a party on New Years Eve which we almost never do and I got pretty tipsy and ended up doing some drugs, which I definitely never do. One of the drugs was supposed to take you back in time. I knew it wouldn't really. It was something I had never heard of so I didn't know what the dangers were and normally that would keep me from taking it but the pill supplier was adorable and we had been sitting on the couch most of the evening flirting and smoking pot. I felt like saying no would kill the vibe. I joked that maybe I would fix all my mistakes and would end up spending New Years Eve in Monaco or something. He said maybe I could do something really interesting and have something to talk about because I was really boring. We laughed, I took the pill. Of course I didn't go back in time. I thought about it though, it was in the back of my mind the rest of the evening, like, would I still be married to Patrick? Would we still have our son, Cody? I am always dissatisfied with my life, always thinking of the things I should have doe differently. But sitting on the couch at Todd and Regina's I felt very content. There was a fire and good music and the people there were really wonderful and funny and accomplished. Maybe it was the wine or the pot or that little pill, but I felt pretty happy with my life.